The fighting, fleeing, and feeding survival instincts built into our genes have a fourth partner, that in less polite language also begins with and the letter F—.
I hope you laughed. And apologies that they make fun of men. I selected them as I do most jokes, to give you more than a laugh. Humor gives us food for thought.
As the jokes should indicate the not so secret thing about sex is that the act of intercourse has different meanings for the participants.
The secret not often discussed? Sex is not designed for our personal enjoyment. Yes, if you are lucky, it is a joyous experience, delightful to both participants. However, unlike fighting, fleeing, and feeding, fu—–g has little to do with personal survival or pleasure; it is the creator’s way of assuring survival of the human race.
Species survival requires babies, but also babies who will be cared for. Men are driven by their penises to create babies, women are driven by a greater sensitivity to seeing that the young survive.
Any woman who has a baby knows that her desire for sex often flees after the child’s birth; sometimes it returns, often it doesn’t. A painful birth, an unwanted child, an unloving relationship add to the likelihood intercourse will be low on a woman’s “must do list.”
As the last joke points out, however, deprived of sex generally makes men meaner. It also makes seeking a new partner more likely.
This link at the Live Science web site notes that the hormone most driving sex is testosterone. The article details the following facts:
- Testosterone is a steroid. Remember steroids increase strength and aggressiveness
- Testosterone makes men manly and able to have sex.
- Woman have testosterone, but at a much lower level than men.
- Testosterone levels are highest during the teen years and early twenties and decrease as the man ages.
These facts explain the difference between men and woman, but how those difference play out in real life is greatly influenced both by culture and testosterone failure.
Henry VIII’s failing testosterone was probably as much to explain the beheading of several of his wives as was their failure to produce a son. And that was his failure – men determine the sex of a baby.
Also important to note in the saga of Henry’s life and the killing of his wives, was his putting aside of Anne of Cleves. That was a political marriage . She was a princess, the marriage was political. Main point? Because she was not a wife he selected based on who spoke to his penis, he could not be aroused by her.
Because the marriage was political, she was not beheaded and the marriage was annulled because it was not consummated. Henry blamed her for that, but at least he spared her life. Moreover, after the annulment she was referred to as Henry’s beloved sister, and ultimately, she outlived Henry and his other wives.
Many men are not so generous to women who do not speak to their penises. What is a combination of testosterone and early cultural imprinting about what constitutes a sexy woman plays a strong part in what arouses men.
Arousal is more controlled by nature than by the person. Leads to problems.
First problem: Men are prone to blaming women for not arousing them. This often leads to the search for newer partners. That search often involves what called forth arousal during the days of their youth. Explains why many men look for partners that resemble early sexual encounters. Also may play a part in some who become gay. But that is a topic for another blog post.
Second problem: Culture plays a part about what is okay in terms of sex, as well as what turns you on. In terms of what turns you on, just think for a minute about how in many cultures fat was a sign of wealth and so fat was considered sexually attractive.
More destructive cultural beliefs abound. In many societies raping slaves, wives, and prisoners of war was, and still under Sharia Law, not just acceptable but promoted. Many such societies also approved raping children and in some cases animals. Denmark only recently outlawed dog brothels. Finally, in many societies approve of same-sex relationships while others behead or stone same-sex lovers; culture at work.
Third Problem; Culture became a stronger force for restraints on women’s sexual behaviors when it was realized men played a role in procreation. Men wanted to be certain a child a woman carried was his and not some one else’s. In early Roman days, wives had to be sexually virtuous, while men could dabble sexually wherever they wished.
Fourth problem: Women are blamed and punished for arousing a man’s penis when he either cannot do anything (erectile dysfunction) or culture demands abstinence.
The push for women to dress modestly so men will not be aroused is the most potent example of this. At the extreme end of this are those cultures who insist a woman be covered from head to toe and feel free to rape or behead a woman immodestly dressed.
Getting aroused when culture dictates you cannot act on the arousal creates fear of being a bad person; for men it has been all to easy to blame the woman rather than nature’s push for procreation or their own sexual needs.
I think LBJ was on target when he suggested it was men’s responsibility to ” Keep their pecker’s in their pockets.”
Fifth problem: The veneration of chastity, abstinence, and celibacy. My personal opinion is that this started with impotent old men who had political power but either never could get it up or had lost the power to get it up. Certainly, Christianity’s veneration of celibacy, abstinence, and female chastity. It began with St. Paul. Formerly Saul of Tarsus, he changed Judaism to fit his need to promote and sell Christianity. He was by then middle-aged and I suspect prone to impotence. If not him, do remember that most of the power brokers throughout history have been men who survived youth and so as time went on became less and less physically potent.
Sex at its best is a joyful experience for all. Nature wants us to procreate, and knows pleasure is a potent motivator.
TIPS FOR IMPROVING YOUR SEX LIFE
Emotional training tip one: Knowledge is power, it is particular important for both men and women to understand the difference in how nature programmed them to procreate. At its simplest knowing that men have to get it up and woman on the other hand can be aroused to want sex by the act, opens pathways to better understanding.
Men have to stop blaming woman for both arousing and not arousing them.
Women have to stop waiting to want to have sex, and be ready and willing when a partner they are involved with wants it. Often the arousal and pleasure for women occurs during sex, particularly if the lover is skilled.
Emotional fitness tip two: Know and abide by Emotional Fitness Training’s Safe Sex Rules. Originally designed to help parents teach preteens and teens about sex, they apply to all.
Some object to the planning ahead. Understood, but at least when first initiated between a couple, some planning is necessary to assure the first three rules are followed.
Emotional Fitness Training tip three: Learn the Joys of Sex. This book was a best seller during the free love time before AIDS dimmed the joy. The main point is that good sex is a skill that both participants need to develop.
Sex therapists start with having you learn to pleasure yourself. Yes, that does mean masturbating. The extremes of the anti-sex fanatics surfaced recently when a religious fanatic told masturbating men they were going to be punished in the after life by having their fingers become pregnant.
Laughable to most of us, but the prohibition against the Big M remains so strong that is not talked about as a way to help prolong abstinence or prevent AIDS.
Emotional fitness training tip four: Realize the happier your partner, the better the sex for both of you.
Emotional fitness training tip five: Maximize the other pleasures in close relationships. Here’s another joke, I found when researching this article.
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
One of the gains for woman should definitely be the pleasure of giving pleasure, even when not in the mood. One of the gains for men lies, not in giving jewels to a partner, but in giving sexual pleasure.
THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU DO
This post is a re-post of an earlier post. It was the most viewed of all my posts. And so starts re-posting Mondays. Enjoy.
Remember sharing is caring and the easiest way to practice kindness is to share this post if you found it helpful. Share it even if it doesn’t speak to you, it will speak to some. Didn’t like it? Comment and tell me why and how to improve.
LINKS OF INTEREST
These links are for those not familiar with Emotional Intelligence or the idea of Emotional Fitness.