Flattery: Just Another Way to Lie

feedback rules

One of my father’s favorite sayings was “Flattery will get you no where.”

Sometimes with a hint ot grin he would say, “Flattery will get you every where.”

Both statements are true.

One comment about the original definition of flattery noted that it started as a description of self-deception. You do lie to yourself when you believe all others say about you.

I have found it best to think truth. I feel better about myself when I am honest; when I compliment someone I mean it. I also believe relationships are best based on honest and that means noting the bad as well as the good. It does no good to let unacceptable behavior continue without comment.

 Emotional Fitness Tips for saying what needs saying. 

Tip one. Make sure it needs saying. If you hate purple hair and your best friend recently  turned her crowning glory purple, no need to comment, none at all. The same friend is too drunk to drive, you are obligated to grab her car keys and drive her home.

Tip two: The “Three Strikes, Three Outs” rule is useful  when deciding if something needs saying as long as safety is not an issue. You might even want to think about a nine innings before venturing to say something.

Tip three: Timing is everything. The example dealt with a here and now issue, but often it is best for sensitive honesty to be carefully timed. 

Tip four: Sometimes a letter says it best.

Tip five: Beat a hasty retreat if the person cannot handle what you are saying.  Apologies instantly and change the subject. Try again later using The Three Outs, Nine Innings rule.

Tip six: Practice John Gottman’s Five in One Rule after offering feedback by making sure your next five interactions are positive ones.  

As Henry David Thoreau noted, “True friendship can afford true knowledge. It does not depend on darkness and ignorance.”

But true friendship also knows when to ignore a friend’s flaws and foibles.

Warning: Getting a Ph.D. in the art of providing feedback is no guarantee your wise observations, meant only to help, will be heard and accepted. Such is life, so are people

Thank you for all you do

Remember to share all you find of value on the internet.  All who post crave recognition. A like says “Thank You.” Comments say you have read and thought about the post. Sharing is a gift to three people: the blogger, the people you share with, and you for your kindness blesses you.


Post Inspiration: This post was inspired by a WordPress Daily  Prompt: Flattery

Go here to learn more about the Daily Prompts.

Links of Interest

These links are for those not familiar with Emotional Intelligence or the idea of Emotional Fitness.

Even the most learned researchers and therapists quarrel about much.  Take their advice and mine carefully.  Don’t just listen to your heart, but also think; don’t just think, listen to your heart.  Heart and head working together increase the odds you will find useful advice amid all the promises and hopes pushed at you be others.  As others have noted, take what seems useful, leave the rest.

Disclaimer two: Forgive my grammatical errors

If  you need perfect posts, you will not find them  here;  I will understand if you don’t follow, like or share what  like me.  Not only am I dealing with an aging brain, but all of my life I have been plagued by dysgraphia–a learning disability,  Some of my posts might be peppered with bad spelling, poor punctuation, and worse words that make no sense.  If  you want to hang in with me, thank you; you are kind. If a post doesn’t make sense or bugs you too much, stop reading, I will understand.



Agree or disagree, comments are always welcomed.

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