How To Save Your Relationship: Warning: Women Only


Cartoon about the difference between men and women's view of sex

Warning this post will upset and offend some. That said, I believe is it will also save many relationships.

You probably know the point the cartoon is making. However, there is one aspect of the difference in sexual desires no one talks about. That difference? In order to have sex, men have to get it up while women do not. Think about that for a minute.

How many times have you seen that discussed? Moreover, how often have you thought about what it means not only to you and your partner, but also as an explanation for long-standing problems regarding women and men’s relationships throughout history.

Four ways this difference has affected history

1. Unwanted sexual arousals or USAs. My husband told me he was always late for school when he first entered puberty. Why? He rode a public bus, the jiggling lead to arousals that he could not control. He was too embarrassed to stand and leave the bus because he was sure everyone would notice the bulge in his groin. He laughs now. However, it is not funny for women when men get overly concerned about USAs and blame women.  Think of all the dress codes imposed on women. Think Burgas.  Think women stoned for not dressing “modestly.”

2. Men’s upset when they no longer get it up as easily as they once did.  This drives many divorces. This leads men to marry younger and younger women once divorced. Drives some cultures to permit child brides.

How does this come about?  Our most intense arousals start with our earliest arousals. The mere thought of my first love and our times in Lover’s Lane starts my heart beating faster. Men are no different and the memories of young love and more intense arousals play a strong reason some men seek younger sexual partners.

Moreover, the lust for power, the strong need to control others, particularly women, is a common way to fight any feeling of inadequacy. Not being able to get it up leads to strong feelings of inadequacy in men.

3. Venerating celibacy.  While, I am sure the veneration of celibacy did not begin with St Paul, it was and has been most strongly promoted throughout history by Christianity. Lusty thoughts are nature’s way of promoting species survival and difficult to control as President Carter noted when he confessed to “The sin of Lusting in my heart.”

Making thoughts the equivalent of actions strengthened the Christian church’s ability to play on people’s guilt or shame. Offering relief from both by confession and belief in Jesus became a potent tool in gaining converts.

Moreover, the veneration of celibacy and for women of virginity often means the normal joys of sex are diminished by guilt and shame.

4. Punishing sexual arousals. Jealousy and possessiveness play a part in  this. Think of the castrated men guarding harems. Think of genital mutation imposed on women in some cultures. To a lesser degree think of the shame attached to sex shops, pornography, and prostitution.

This plays out most strongly for many in the taboo against masturbation. For all the talk of safe sex, masturbation is not mentioned. My book was banned in many religious stores because two paragraphs talked about masturbation. Sigh.

How the difference affects relationships

The rise of feminism with all its positives and it has many, created relationship problems with regard to satisfying sexual desires. How? By making women think they have to be in the mood to have sex.

The right to refuse your mate when “Not in the mood” has become for some women an inalienable right. I read recently about one women who was only in the mood once a year. Her husband was seriously contemplating an affair or divorce. Understandable.

What to do?

The relationship guru John Gottman has discovered that relationships last when the ratio of good  times is five to one., meaning five good encounters for each negative encounter.  I think this ratio does not work for the question of when to have sex. Minimally, my thought is that for every time you say “Not in the Mood” you have to say “Yes, Dear” when asked next. This again, to my way of thinking, is why nature made it possible for women to have sex even when not in the mood.

Here’s a bonus to think about. For many woman who start off having sex when “Not in the mood,” the mood develops with the sex and often ends with satisfaction and contentment.

Another bonus: You are gifting your man, you are practicing kindness, and focusing on what matters.

Thank you and stay strong: Practice Kindness right now by liking, commenting, or sharing this and other EFT posts, free downloads, or other products.


Links of Interest

 Emotional Intelligence  (

Disclaimer one: Emotional Fitness Training is not therapy.

Even the most learned researchers and therapists quarrel about much.  Take their advice and mine carefully.  Don’t just listen to your heart, but also think; don’t just think, listen to your heart.  Heart and head working together increase the odds you will find useful advice amid all the promises and hopes pushed at you be others.  As others have noted, take what seems useful, leave the rest.

Disclaimer two: Forgive my grammatical errors

If  you need perfect posts, you will not find them  here;  I will understand if you don’t follow, like or share what  like me.  Not only am I dealing with an aging brain, but all of my life I have been plagued by dysgraphia–a learning disability,  Some of my posts might be peppered with bad spelling, poor punctuation, and worse words that make no sense.  If  you want to hang in with me, thank you; you are kind. If a post doesn’t make sense or bugs you too much, stop reading, I will understand.

Agree or disagree, comments are always welcomed.

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