Victim or Hero/Heroine? Your Choice: Stengthening Your Emotional Intelligence Six Tips

Life is pain and pleasure, how the pain is handled makes you a victim or a heroine/hero.

How to stop being a victim.

I love the coming together of women in the Me Too Movement. At the same time, I despair because the line has been blurred between rape, sexual harassment, and more innocent, but intrusive gropes. As I have mentioned elsewhere, I was French Kissed by the judge presiding over my civil wedding and to this day it remains an unpleasant memory attached to what should have been a totally happy day. Still it was not a rape.

Caring humans identify with others in pain. However, good and bad. Good for it creates compassion; bad for it can lead one to feel your pain is the same as another person’s pain. Because as a therapist I have worked with many women who have been raped, I know the hateful French Kiss was a minor happening. Nothing more than the sting a buttercup might feel when stung by a bee.

How to keep from being a victim? These tips might help.

Emotional Intelligence Strengthening  Tips

Tip one: Use rating scales to maintain perspective. Here’s one I devised about the difference between rape, sexual harassment, and gropes.

Rating Scale for sexual misconduct

The unwanted French Kiss on my Wedding Day was a One. And yes, letting go has been painful, but at least I know in my head, it was not worthy of much moaning and groaning. In fact, I kept it to myself for a long time in order not to spoil anyone else’s memories of that day.

Now, I wish I had also sent an admonishing letter to the judge asking him to cease such behavior. He was basically a good man and might have listened to me.

Tip two: Improve your critical thinking skills.  Strong emotions interfere with critical thinking.

Tip three: Improve your self-soothing skills. If you haven’t checked out my Four Easy Emotional Fitness Exercises Page, go there now. Want more? Go to my eBook Self-soothing How To Create Calm in Your Life. At $2.99, it costs less than a movie and introduces you to 22 self-soothing exercises.

One self-soothing exercise that helps me deal with stuff like the Unwanted French Kiss is positive self-talk. My favorite for dealing with all past hurts remains, “Life goes on” Another, “that was then, this is now.”

Another useful self-soothing tool is distraction. Because I am using this memory to illustrate this blog post, I am focused on it.  Otherwise,  I rarely think about it.One of the dangers of the Me Too Movement is that it focuses everyone on past personal pains and that increases the pain and the difficulty of letting go.

Tip four:  Forgive. Start small. Review your lists of hurts from the past. Pick one involving someone who was more loving than hurtful. See that person coming to you, asking you to forgive.  Offer a hug of forgiveness and say the word’s “I forgive.” What works for me is to see the person as a small child who had not yet learned to control their behavior.

Forgiving at its most basic means not seeking revenge. Seeking revenge mires you in hate, hurt and anger; not healthy.

Tip five:  Increase your knowledge of human behavior and why good people do bad things. Doing so helps with forgiveness. Most people are just that – people. We come in different skins and with different feelings. However, at heart, we want to feel good and to live without fear or pain. That, however, is simplistic because what feels good to one person does not feel good to someone else.

I am sure the judge enjoyed his French Kiss, I did not. Why did he indulge in such a kiss then? Lots of reasons, some delusional on his part, some part of the way men get turned on, partly the pleasure and excitement of the moment, maybe a power trip, maybe the kills was a way to reassure himself about his sexuality.  Who knows, I doubt if he knew all the ins and outs of why his needs overcame his better self.

Tip six: Celebrate the good more than the bad. We need a march for the progress women have made, one celebrating victories over oppression and dedicated to assuring that all women gain the freedoms we have found.

Thank You For All You Do

Be kind to me by liking, commenting on, or sharing this and other EFT posts.

Katherine

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Aging Is Not Easy, A Strengthening Prayer And Six Tips

Whether religious or not, think about this; following her advice will improve your Emotional Intelligence.

Good advice tso strengthen emotional intelligence as we age.

Aging seems easy from a distance. After a certain point, however, each year gets a bit more difficult. Memory lapses,  bodily malfunctions, and loss of control eat at your self-esteem; it takes longer to do less; time shortens as to-do lists grow; resources dwindle; friends die; regrets come calling; pain visits more frequently; and finally, the prospect of death cannot be denied. Takes heroics not to despair or grow bitter as all who live long enough learn.  What to do?

Emotional Fitness Tips And Thoughts

Whether aging or dealing with the aged, these tips ease stress:

Tip one: Practice gratitude whenever you can.  Say a silent “Thank you” when little things go your way:  when you find something to laugh at, when a moment of beauty visits, when you are pain or stress-free, or when life hands you a bit of chocolate.

Tip two: Remember what matters. Be clear about your priorities and where you put your energy. Family and friends come first but also make time every day for you.

Tip three: Beef up your self-soothing skills. If you haven’t checked out my Four Easy Emotional Fitness Exercises Page, go there now. Want more? Go to my eBook Self-soothing How To Create Calm in Your Life. At $2.99, it costs less than a movie and introduces you to 22 self-soothing exercises.   

Tip four: Forgive yourself. Start small, review the past few days?  Who says you offended them? Make an amends; apologize, even if you don’t quite get what you did wrong. “I sorry, I upset you: I will try to do better” works even when you are not sure you did wrong.

When you cannot make a personal amends or apology, image yourself going to the person and being forgiven. It works best for me if I see myself as a small child asking for forgiveness and being forgiven.

Tip five: Forgive others. Again start small. Review your lists of hurts from the past. Pick one involving someone who was more loving than hurtful. See that person coming to you, asking you to forgive.  Offer a hug of forgiveness and say the word’s “I forgive.” Again what works for me is to see the person as a small child who had not yet learned to control their behavior.

Forgiving at its most basic means not seeking revenge. Seeking revenge mires you in hate, hurt and anger; not healthy.

Tip six:  Do what you can, as you can, and the best you can.  That is all any of us can do given who we are, what we have and the struggles we face.

Thank You For All You Do

Be kind to me by liking, commenting on, or sharing this and other EFT posts.

If you are not subscribed to my blog, subscribe now. Be even kinder by buying one of my eBooks. They cost less than a latte or movie and last longer. Kindness is karma, sharing is caring.

Katherine

P.S. I shortened the prayer so it would fit the dimensions of a Poster Coach. You can read the entire prayer here Praayer of an Anonymous Abbess

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Finding Beauty Strengthens Your Emotional Intelligence: An Emotional Fitness Exercise

Picture and quote about beauty

Emotional Fitness Thoughts

Be With Beauty is one of the 12 Daily Emotional Fitness Exercises.  Two things are involved.  The first? Learning to find beauty every where you go. The second? To be fully aware of beauty when you find it.

Tip one: Learn to see beauty everywhere.  Beauty surrounds us, but whether we see it is  a matter of focus.

In the above poster coach, the gold, the sand, the sea are traditionally seen as beauty.  A slimy, salt-encrusted, seaweed dripping piece of driftwood is by some seem as a thing of beauty, by others not.

Focus on one grain of sand? Not likely to be viewed as beautiful. See it viewed through under a microscope and a new spectrum of beauty opens up.

When beauty is not immediately visible narrow your focus. Find a picture in a museum unappealing? Focus on what you do find appealing. Perhaps that is a color, the way a line swirls, or how a form takes shape.

Tip two: Cultivate the ability to be fully aware of beauty when you find it. All EFT’s exercises are most effective when practiced with full awareness.  Full awareness is achieved by using the One Minute Meditation or  OMM as you do the exercise. How to OMM for full awareness:

  1. Take  Calming Breath by breathing in slowly, holding your breath for a count of five, then breathe out slowly.
  2. Breathe normally.
  3. Focus on the exercise.
  4. When your mind begins to wander, take another Calming Breath and refocus or end the exercise by taking another Calming Breathe, smiling gently and saying “Thank You.”

Tip three: Practice is a must.  K. Anders Ericsson the worlds leading expert on skill building  says it takes 10,000 hours of practice to develop the skills needed to become an expert or star performer in every field.

That may sound like bad news, but only if you are reaching for an Olympic Gold Medal or to debut at Carnegie Hall.  Being with Beauty requires much less practice. However, a bit of practice is needed which is why this exercise as with all Emotional Fitness Training Exercises can be practiced in less than a minute.

One word of caution, as you begin to learn to Be With Beauty, practice mainly when you are reasonably calm. As your skill using this exercise builds, you can use it as a soothing exercise, but trying that too soon defeats its soothing power.

Tip four: Surround yourself with beauty. Practicing Being With Beauty is mega-easy when you surround yourself with what you find beautiful. At my desk I have a lovely seashell, some flowers, and on the wall a picture I love.. When stress builds or I want a quick mini-break, I can be with one of these.

Tip five: Use a practice reminder.  EFT’s Poster Coaches are designed to be printed up and posted where you will see them and be reminded to practice. Add another practice reminder to the Poster Coach. When your phone rings, or during commercials.

Tip six: When you go out into the real world look for beauty and breathe it in and always remember to be grateful.  

Visit my Be With Beauty Pinterest Board. If you want to be a Be With Beauty photographer, let me know at [email protected] and I will send you details about how to share your Being With Beauty pictures with others.

Be kind to me by liking, commenting on, or sharing this and other EFT posts.  If you are not subscribed to my blog, subscribe now. Be even kinder by buying one of my eBooks. They cost less than a latte or movie and last longer. Kindness is karma, sharing is caring. Here is  my Amazon’s Author Page 

Katherine

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Adhuminiem, Do You Know What It Means? 3 Tips To Strengthen Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Fitness Training® is about thinking logically.  Doing so improves your emotional intelligence.

Ad Huminem a fallacy all should guard against to improve their emotional intelligence.

The more you can spot logical fallacies, the stronger your critical thinking skills. This post focuses on the fallacy of attacking the person instead of the argument. The Media uses ad hominem attacks to awaken your urge to buy things. How? One way is by promoting perfection. Because we are all less than perfect images of perfection make us doubt ourselves.  Doubt or uncertainty is a hypnotic tool to put you deeper into a trance where suggestions become more powerful.

I’m over-weight, wrinkled, my hair is white, and I am old.   I generally accept me as I am. However, I do get a bit angry that all women achieving fame as TV journalists are slender, seemingly wrinkle-free, have long perfectly coiffed hair, are 40 years old or younger, and finally, possessed of perfect teeth. That little bit of anger says I feel threatened by my imperfections.

Other ways ad hominem is used: The constant promoting of youth attacks all old ones. Power ads for cars play into our concerns about what we control or our weakness.

These subtle ad hominem attacks exemplify what I call a Sneaky Hypnotism tactic. I am a trained hypnotist. When you want to get someone into a trance so your suggestions carry more power, one trick is to create uncertainty. You may know many trance inductions call for you to count to ten along with the hypnotist.  Hypnotists will mess around with the counting as a way to create uncertainty during trance induction.  Sneaky Hypnotism creates doubt and uncertainty to pull you into a trance.

Why do advertisers want to make you uncertain? Uncertainty and doubt create fear; fear is designed to caution you to be careful. All fears push us to find safety. Images that suggest a way to reduce a fear or doubt about you sell products and services.

Other ways advertisers use Sneaky Hypnotism? Rhythmic pulsating music, images, getting people to relax, repetition of short phrases – think of Nike’s “Just Do It”.

What to do? Here are three Emotional Fitness Training Tips that will not only protect you from Sneaky Hypnotism but strengthen your emotional intelligence:

Tip one: Strengthen your awareness of  Sneaky Hypnotism in general. Here’s a link that will help you understand trance inductions and hypnotism better.

Tip two: Be alert when someone says “Imagine.” That word is always an invitation to a trance. 

Tip three: Strengthen your awareness of Logical Fallacies. Facebook debates, all advertising, and personal arguments about religion or politics provide endless opportunities to improve your critical thinking skills.

Thank you and stay strong. Remember what matters, be grateful, laugh and play, forgive, and practice Kindness

Be kind to me by liking, commenting on, or sharing this and other EFT posts.  If you are not subscribed to my blog, subscribe now. Be even kinder by buying one of my eBooks. They cost less than a latte or movie and last longer. Kindness is karma, sharing is caring. Here is  my Amazon’s Author Page 

Katherine

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