Blog Update

Thank you for your patience as I try to get an EFT Store up and running.  You will notice the tab is up, a bit of a hard fought battle; still not won for  if you click on it you will only get a blank page.  Also am now having problems with unwanted links appearing. No more posts until that gets solved. Sigh

How To Let Go Of The Past – Five Emotional Fitness Training Tips

An Emotional Intelligence boosting tip: know and then let go of past pain Letting go quotes

Self awareness is an important part of Emotional Intelligence. This post was inspired by the picture used in the above Poster Coach but also by a memory it evoked. The memory? Hearing my mother’s voice burst out of my mouth in a moment of frustration with one of my children.

That experience terrified me as an adult almost as much as Mom’s occasional temper tantrums terrified me when I was a child. I now know that part of my mother was in contrast to my father’s fears of confrontation. There was  a dark side to my father’s fears of confrontation. He could never talk about my mother’s temper tantrums either with her or with me. He retreated until the temper tantrum was over and then acted as if it had never been. What cannot be talked about lives on and not always consciously or  in useful ways.

Tip one: Improve your self-awareness. How? Start by answering these questions. What part of your parents’ behavior could not be talked about either when you were a child or now? Which side did you take when your parent’s quarreled.? Who were you most afraid of? Who did you want to be like?  What would each parent like best about you? What would each parent dislike the most about you?  What did you admire most in each parent? What did you hate most in each parent?

Tip two: Expand your understanding of how children grow into the people they become. Genes are one way we become who we are today.  We know that is true when it comes to physical stuff, but is it also true for the psychological stuff that makes us us. One of the less obvious ways genes influence us by bestowing temperament traits.  Shy or bold? Extrovert or Introvert? Sad or happy most of the time? Easy going or intense? Love or hate change? Think about which of your temperament traits make you more like one parent than the other?

Experiences are another stepping stone to who we become. Freud, the Catholic Church and my guru Jerome Kagan agree that early memories are of major importance. Kagan makes the point that the young child believes “what is ought to be.”

Later in life various experiences trigger earlier memories or behaviors. When my mother’s mouth roared out of my mouth, it did so only after I began to parent.  She was my model of a mother and that triggered behavior based on a learned belief that mothers were entitled to blow at times.

Finally, genes and experiences combine to create beliefs.  My mother’s temper tantrums made me believe I was bad. At the same time I am generally a happy person, a little bit shy, but also stubborn in some things.  Moreover, my mother was not just her temper tantrums, and her positives more than weighed the hurt of her temper tantrums.

Tip three: Be alert to relationship woes.  We pick relationships for two reasons. The person is like us or the person fills a gap for us.  Usually it is best when both elements are present.  David and I share most basic values; he, however, does not withdraw from confrontation when he sees something as being wrong, which for a long time I hated. Because my father never criticized others, in time I came to wonder if he really would love me. How could I trust his love when he could not admit I had some flaws. Confrontational David is far more honest and that makes me value more what he values in me. Our trust in each other is stronger.

When relationships begin to fail the time has come to ask yourself, what past relationship failures are being worked through again.

Tip four: Be forgiving. Letting go involves forgiving much. Start by remembering all the good things others have done for you and don’t be petty,   Then, remember you are far from perfect yourself. Forgive yourself for not being all you would like to be; forgive others for not being all they could or should be.

Not easily done., but possible. Moreover, it is far healthier than holding grudges. When I hear about family members that have not spoken to each other for years, I pity both sides. Here is a quick review of a forgiveness exercise that can be easily practiced.

Review the day. Examine a still painful negative from the day. Did someone treat you unfairly? Did another take without giving in return? Did someone break a promise? Betray a hope? Embarrass you in public? Say or do something cruel?

Take a Calming Breath and see the person who hurt you asking forgiveness.  See him or her as a small child , chagrined and embarrassed, but hopeful you will forgive and keep caring.  Say the words “I forgive you”  outloud or in your head. See the person’s relief.

When you are the one seeking forgiveness, it is best to do that in person.  Here is a sample apology: “I am sorry I hurt you (state what you did). That was thoughtless and wrong. Forgive me, I will try to do better in the future.”

If you cannot seek forgiveness personally, see the person you hurt forgiving you. In your thoughts, approach the person as a child would. Make your apology. Then see the person you have wronged forgiving you and giving you a loving hug..

End the either of these  exercises  by taking another Calming Breath and repeating, “That was then, this is now” as you breathe out.

The more you practice forgiveness and letting go the easier it will become to free yourself of past hurts.

Tip five: Remember what matters and what matters most is always making your part of the world better, being generous in spirit to all,  and practicing kindness.

Some final thoughts: Strengthening your self-soothing skills.  My 12 Daily Emotional Fitness Exercises are research based and easy to practice self-soothing exercises.  New to this idea or this blog? Go here for an introduction to the 12 Daily Exercises or spend $2.99 for my e-Book Self-soothing:How To Create Calm In Your Life. 

Go here for a free down load of today’s Poster Coach

Thank you and stay strong: Practice Kindness right now by liking, commenting, or sharing this and other EFT posts, free downloads, or other products.

Katherine

Links of Interest

Emotional Intelligence  (en.wikipedia.org)

Disclaimer one: Emotional Fitness Training is not therapy.

Even the most learned researchers and therapists quarrel about much.  Take their advice and mine carefully.  Don’t just listen to your heart, but also think; don’t just think, listen to your heart.  Heart and head working together increase the odds you will find useful advice amid all the promises and hopes pushed at you be others.  As others have noted, take what seems useful, leave the rest.

Disclaimer two: Forgive my grammatical errors

If  you need perfect posts, you will not find them  here;  I will understand if you don’t follow, like or share what  like me.  Not only am I dealing with an aging brain, but all of my life I have been plagued by dysgraphia–a learning disability,  Some of my posts might be peppered with bad spelling, poor punctuation, and worse words that make no sense.  If  you want to hang in with me, thank you; you are kind. If a post doesn’t make sense or bugs you too much, stop reading, I will understand.

How To Let Go Of Perfection

An Emotional Intelligence boosting tip: Say “no” to perfection.

Quotes about perfection 

This post was inspired by a post on the  Burningbridges blog. You might want to read that one instead of mine. However, for the best results, as the MDs note, “Take two.”

Taken to an extreme the search for perfection becomes a mental health disorder known as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. While most of us to not qualify for such a diagnosis, we all know moments when perfectionism tries to rule us. Worried about the pimple no one else sees? What about the creak in your floor that only you notice? And then if grammar and spelling are your thing, do other people’s mistakes get you fuming about their errors instead of reading past the mistakes for content?

What imperfections make you blush with shame? For me it is and always has been the spelling and punctuation errors spawned by my learning disability (dysgraphia).  As retirement has allowed me to write more, but mainly on social media where I have to be my own editor, I blush so often my cheeks seem permanently sunburned.  Sigh.

But dysgraphia also brought a positive to my life. The early recognition that being perfect was a lost cause focused me instead on what I could do, Writing was a passion, but until word processing came along, I wrote, only in a journal just for me.

Word processing eventually helped me become a published author; that and having lived with 366 foster children – boys and girls needing short-term  care and all in trouble with the law. A sad or happy fact, I am not sure which, but each editor of a book of mine fled to another profession after dealing with me.

The lack of perfection in my life lead eventually to developing  Emotional Fitness Training and the following tips for saying “No” to perfectionism.

Tip one: Do as the Buddha suggests: moderate your quest for perfection with the thought that everything is “All all right,” at least in terms of the needs of the universe.

Tip two: When what is right for the universe is all wrong for you, strengthen your self-soothing skills. A self-soothing skill is anything that gets you passed bad moments.

Tip three: Do what you can when you can and as best you can. Focus on strengths, worry less about weaknesses. Good enough is really good enough 99.9 per cent of the time.

Tip four: Stand “dead in the water” when you must. Sometimes life beats you so far down you want to kill yourself or another. You know you cannot do that, but you also cannot think of anything else to do. You become immobilized; what I mean when I say “Standing Dead In the Water.”  Doing nothing is usually the best strategy when fear, despair or anger become that overwhelming.

Tip five: Remember what matters and what matters most is always making your part of the world better and practicing kindness. When life is beating down on you, before being kind to others, be kind to you.

Some final thoughts: Turn quotes into a quick Emotional Fitness Exercise by taking a Calming Breath (breathe in slowly, hold your breathe for a few moments, breathe out slowly, smile and say a silent “Thank You”) as you read and think about the quote.

Strengthening your self-soothing skills.  My 12 Daily Emotional Fitness Exercises are research based and easy to practice self-soothing exercises.  New to this idea or this blog? Go here for an introduction to the 12 Daily Exercises or spend $2.99 for my e-Book Self-soothing:How To Create Calm In Your Life. 

Go here for a free down load of today’s Poster Coach

Thank you and stay strong: Practice Kindness right now by liking, commenting, or sharing this and other EFT posts, free downloads, or other products.

Katherine

Links of Interest

Emotional Intelligence  (en.wikipedia.org)

Disclaimer one: Emotional Fitness Training is not therapy.

Even the most learned researchers and therapists quarrel about much.  Take their advice and mine carefully.  Don’t just listen to your heart, but also think; don’t just think, listen to your heart.  Heart and head working together increase the odds you will find useful advice amid all the promises and hopes pushed at you be others.  As others have noted, take what seems useful, leave the rest.

Disclaimer two: Forgive my grammatical errors

If  you need perfect posts, you will not find them  here;  I will understand if you don’t follow, like or share what  like me.  Not only am I dealing with an aging brain, but all of my life I have been plagued by dysgraphia–a learning disability,  Some of my posts might be peppered with bad spelling, poor punctuation, and worse words that make no sense.  If  you want to hang in with me, thank you; you are kind. If a post doesn’t make sense or bugs you too much, stop reading, I will understand.

How To Star In Your Life

An Emotional Intelligence boosting tip: Use quotes to inspire and help you stay strong. 

No matter how small, we contribute to all the wonder that is

This is the Monkey Head Nebula located 6400 miles away from earth. Stars are born in it.

Think about this: The universe is vast, does that make you feel small, insignificant? Sad. For each of us is a part of that magnificent whole. Attitude matters.

.Strengthen your self-soothing skills.  Turn quotes into quick Emotional Fitness Exercises by taking a Calming Breath (breathe in slowly, hold your breathe for a few moments, breathe out slowly, smile and say a silent “Thank You”) as you read and think about the quote.

My 12 Daily Emotional Fitness Exercises are research based and easy to practice self-soothing exercises.  New to this idea or this blog? Go here for an introduction to the 12 Daily Exercises or spend $2.99 for my e-Book Self-soothing:How To Create Calm In Your Life. 

Go here for a free down load of today’s Poster Coach

Thank you and stay strong: Practice Kindness right now by liking, commenting, or sharing this and other EFT posts, free downloads, or other products.

Katherine

Links of Interest

Emotional Intelligence  (en.wikipedia.org)

Disclaimer one: Emotional Fitness Training is not therapy.

Even the most learned researchers and therapists quarrel about much.  Take their advice and mine carefully.  Don’t just listen to your heart, but also think; don’t just think, listen to your heart.  Heart and head working together increase the odds you will find useful advice amid all the promises and hopes pushed at you be others.  As others have noted, take what seems useful, leave the rest.

Disclaimer two: Forgive my grammatical errors

If  you need perfect posts, you will not find them  here;  I will understand if you don’t follow, like or share what  like me.  Not only am I dealing with an aging brain, but all of my life I have been plagued by dysgraphia–a learning disability,  Some of my posts might be peppered with bad spelling, poor punctuation, and worse words that make no sense.  If  you want to hang in with me, thank you; you are kind. If a post doesn’t make sense or bugs you too much, stop reading, I will understand.

Getting Up Again When The Wind Knocks You Down

An Emotional Intelligence boosting tip: Use quotes to inspire and help you stay strong. 

Turn quotes into a quick Emotional Fitness Exercise by taking a Calming Breath (breathe in slowly, hold your breathe for a few moments, breathe out slowly, smile and say a silent “Thank You”) as you read and think about the quote.

Strengthen your self-soothing skills.  My 12 Daily Emotional Fitness Exercises are research based and easy to practice self-soothing exercises.  New to this idea or this blog? Go here for an introduction to the 12 Daily Exercises or spend $2.99 for my e-Book Self-soothing:How To Create Calm In Your Life. 

Go here for a free down load of today’s Poster Coach

Thank you and stay strong: Practice Kindness right now by liking, commenting, or sharing this and other EFT posts, free downloads, or other products.

Katherine

Links of Interest

Emotional Intelligence  (en.wikipedia.org)

Disclaimer one: Emotional Fitness Training is not therapy.

Even the most learned researchers and therapists quarrel about much.  Take their advice and mine carefully.  Don’t just listen to your heart, but also think; don’t just think, listen to your heart.  Heart and head working together increase the odds you will find useful advice amid all the promises and hopes pushed at you be others.  As others have noted, take what seems useful, leave the rest.

Disclaimer two: Forgive my grammatical errors

If  you need perfect posts, you will not find them  here;  I will understand if you don’t follow, like or share what  like me.  Not only am I dealing with an aging brain, but all of my life I have been plagued by dysgraphia–a learning disability,  Some of my posts might be peppered with bad spelling, poor punctuation, and worse words that make no sense.  If  you want to hang in with me, thank you; you are kind. If a post doesn’t make sense or bugs you too much, stop reading, I will understand.