Seven Tips To Think Smarter, Regret Less, And Improve Your Emotional Intelligence

Thinking can be painful. Why so many of us prefer to think less about what matters and enjoy less hurtful pursuits. At the same time, not thinking about some things is a one street to the land  of regrets. However, thinking is an acquired ability and can always be improved. 

Emotional Fitness Training Tips

Tip  one: See regret as a sign something needs to be thought about more carefully.  Clearly when safety is involved careful thought works best. Not  at all necessary when laughing at harmless jokes.

Tip two: Strengthen your self-soothing skills. Start with learning Calming Breath. Breath in slowly to a count of five, hold your breathe for another count of five, breathe out slowly while smiling softly, say a quiet “Thank you” and go on. Calming Breath is a pause that reminds you to think. When you need more time to think, turn Calming Breath into a One Minute Meditation, by breathing normally, and observing your breath and your thoughts, then when you are ready to go on take another Calming Breath.

Tip three:  Think aloud. When trying to sort out a problem talking yourself through what is happening  leads to clearer thinking. Afraid of being overheard and thought demented?  Silently mouthing the words works as well as saying them aloud.

Tip four: Learn all the ways thinking can get twisted.  Three common logical fallacies are: Emotional Reasoning – I feel it so it is real, true or right.  Hasty generalizations – She once said something in support of the Democrats, therefore s/he must be a leftist.  Jumping on the Band Wagon – my friends think this way, therefore our thoughts are real, true, and right.  Learn about more logical fallacies and laugh a bit at the same time by visiting the Fallacy Ref

Tip five: look for logical fallacies when you are arguing with some one. Look for yours, look for theirs.

Tip six: Look for how ads use logical fallacies to get you to buy, buy, and buy.

Tip seven: When you think a situation has been thought through thoroughly say “And?” Do this when you think your thinking has reached an end. Do this when you think someone else’s thinking has reached an end.

Thank you and stay strong: Practice Kindness right now by liking, commenting, or sharing this and EFT posts. Be even kinder by visiting my Amazon’s Author Page and buying one of my books, most cost less than a latte or a movie.

Katherine

Links of Interest

Emotional Intelligence  (en.wikipedia.org)

Disclaimer one: Emotional Fitness Training is not therapy. Even the most learned researchers and therapists quarrel about much.  Take their advice and mine carefully.  Don’t just listen to your heart, but also think; don’t just think, listen to your heart.  Heart and head working together increase the odds you will find useful advice amid all the promises and hopes pushed at you be others.  As others have noted, take what seems useful, leave the rest.

Disclaimer two: Forgive my grammatical errors If  you need perfect posts, you will not find them  here;  I will understand if you don’t follow, like or share what  like me.  Not only am I dealing with an aging brain, but all of my life I have been plagued by dysgraphia–a learning disability,  Some of my posts might be peppered with bad spelling, poor punctuation, and worse words that make no sense.  If  you want to hang in with me, thank you; you are kind. If a post doesn’t make sense or bugs you too much, stop reading, I will understand.

Are You Becoming An Alcoholic?

halloween-drink

This Emotional Fitness Training post applies not just to alcohol addiction, but all addictions. Moreover, we are all addicts in one way or another. Read it, strengthen your Emotional Intelligence and stay healthier.

Fact: We live in a culture that pushes you to drink. Don’t think so? Watch some of the cooking shows, 99.9% of them push drinking, some quietly by suggesting the wine you serve with your meal, others more insistently by the various hosts toasting each other throughout the show.

Then there are the sports venues. True they only hawk beer, but one beer equals a shot of the hard stuff.

Finally, there are the partying high-schoolers and college crowds celebrating drunkenness. Not all, but enough to make me shudder. Once upon my time, drunkenness was a shandra, a shame, something to be pitied.

Fact: There are two certain paths to become a drunk or other addict. Our drinking culture is one.

The process found on this path is called habituation. That fancy word means habit forming behavior.

Anything you do that finds your brain putting forth a little happiness chemical can become a sought after activity and a necessary habit. Why am I typing this when so few read it. I get a jolt of happiness when I finish it, when I publish it, when one or two people like, share, or comment.

 The second path to any sort of addiction is a genetic pre-disposition. You have drunks and addicts in your family history? You are at greater risk of addiction.

My grandfather was rich and respected member of his community. He also consumed coke-a-cola as if it was water. And in his day it was flavored with cocaine. He died unexpectedly in his prime.  Addiction kills. Sad to report many of his children and grandchildren became alcoholics or drug addicts.

Combine the two paths and no wonder there is growing concern about the current “Opiad addiction.”

What to do? Try the following:

Emotional Fitness Training Tips

Tip one: Do as the Buddha suggested: Practice moderation in all things. Applied to drinking this means no more than three drinks a day, no more than one drink an hour. And a drink means one beer, one glass of wine, or one shot of the hard stuff.

A little known fact: Chug-a-lugging (rapidly drinking lots of liquor can kill you. Kills too many young people who take a dare to down a bottle quickly.

Another fact: Mixing marijuana and alcohol is also deadly. Doing so interferes with nature’s up-chucking which is actually your body’s attempt to keep you alive when you have too much alcohol in your system.

Tip two: Avoid habituation. Drink no more than four days a week.

Tip three: If you are already a heavy drinker, cut down gradually. Sudden withdrawal from alcohol is deadly.

Tip four: If you have trouble doing the above, find an AA group that feels right to you. You may have to try a few before finding one that works for you.

Tip five: Cannot stand the thought of AA, seek a therapist who uses Motivational Interviewing MI is a useful alternative to AA.

TIp six: Cannot do any of the above, and that is a sure sign you are already an alcoholic. 

Some final words: Moderation is for everyone. You may not be an alcoholic, but everyone has an addiction or two. Anything that rules your life to the point where you cannot not do it is an addiction.  Social media is one of mine, care-taking another. I work to keep both from growing stronger and for the most part am successful, but not always. The struggle against any addiction is life long.

As always strengthen your self soothing skills.  My 12 Daily Emotional Fitness Exercises are research based and easy to practice self-soothing exercises.  New to this idea or this blog? Go here for an introduction to the 12 Daily Exercises or spend $2.99 for my e-Book Self-soothing:How To Create Calm In Your Life. 

Thank you and stay strong: Practice Kindness right now by liking, commenting, or sharing this and EFT posts.

Katherine

Links of Interest

Emotional Intelligence  (en.wikipedia.org)

Disclaimer one: Emotional Fitness Training is not therapy. Even the most learned researchers and therapists quarrel about much.  Take their advice and mine carefully.  Don’t just listen to your heart, but also think; don’t just think, listen to your heart.  Heart and head working together increase the odds you will find useful advice amid all the promises and hopes pushed at you be others.  As others have noted, take what seems useful, leave the rest.

Disclaimer two: Forgive my grammatical errors If  you need perfect posts, you will not find them  here;  I will understand if you don’t follow, like or share what  like me.  Not only am I dealing with an aging brain, but all of my life I have been plagued by dysgraphia–a learning disability,  Some of my posts might be peppered with bad spelling, poor punctuation, and worse words that make no sense.  If  you want to hang in with me, thank you; you are kind. If a post doesn’t make sense or bugs you too much, stop reading, I will understand.

Do You Know Your Temperament Style?

Temperament Is How You Become You and How Others Become Who They Are

Emotional Intelligence Tips To Strengthen All Your Relationships

Biology including temperament is one of the four contributors to how we become who we are. The other three are personal experiences within an environment, the beliefs we form about the world and life in general, and the way we act. Each contributor influences the other three; sometimes biology is the main contributor. Think sex, race, or skin color as well as temperament.

Temperament is part of our inherited biology; it can be somewhat moderated by what those in our environment  believe about a trait.  Shyness can be thought of as a bad trait and  the opposite of bold or courageous: but it can also be thought of as thoughtful and careful.

I was a shy child, but my mother’s constant mantra “Nothing ventured, nothing gained” pushed me to try when my shyness said know.  Then I experienced various degrees of success with moving beyond shyness. Areas where I did not experience a success, remain sources of shyness or holding back.

Temperament differences impact relationships in good and bad ways. A child born with what is called a difficult temperament makes parenting more of a chore than a child born with an easy temperament.

The Danes are reputed to have happier children than most, and that is attributed to some of their parenting skills. But as they have a rather homogeneous gene pool it might also be that both the child and the parents easy-going temperaments.

Other ways temperament impact relationships include how we are drawn to people. A shy person might be drawn to a bold person. That can be good if it boosts the shy person’s courage; bad if the bold person likes to dominate. Boldness can be good, but not if it leads to reckless and dangerous behavior.

Not familiar with temperament? Here is a quick introduction. When trying to figure out someone’s temperament, the experts look at these nine traits:

1. Activity level

2. Regularity of bodily functions

3. Sensitivity to stimuli—what some call pain threshold

4. Response level

5. Approach to other people

6. Response to change

7. Ability to persist aka frustration tolerance

8. Ability to stay focused

9. Mood

Here is a quick test to help you think about your temperament. Five is always the mid-point between the two extremes. Are you?

1. Low energy     1   2   3  4  5  6  7  8  9     High energy

2. Regular and predictable bodily functions   1   2   3  4  5  6  7  8  9   egular

3. Sensitive to stimuli   1   2   3  4  5  6  7  8  9    Not sensitive

4. Loud reactor   1   2   3  4  5  6  7  8  9    Quiet reactor

5. Cautious (Shy)       1   2   3  4  5  6  7  8  9    Bold

6. Does not like change   1   2   3  4  5  6  7  8  9     Eager for change

7. Gives up easily    1   2   3  4  5  6  7  8  9    Doesn’t know when to quit

8. Easily distracted      1   2   3  4  5  6  7  8  9  Highly Focused

9. Sad or irritable most of the time       1   2   3  4  5  6  7  8  9   Mostly cheerful

What Are The Most Common Temperaments

These are generally used in reference to children, but I have found them equally helpful when it comes to adults.

The Easy Temperament has regular eating, sleeping, elimination cycles, a positive approach response to new situations, can accept frustration with little fuss and adapt to change quickly, and finally, are cheerful most of the time.

The Difficult Temperament has irregular eating, sleeping, and elimination cycles, so not handle change well, are easily frustrated, loud reactors when unhappy, and a negative mood.

The Slow-to-Warm-Up Temperament – has a negative response in new situations but slowly learns to accept such events with repeated exposure.

Emotional Fitness Training Tips 

Tip one:  Know your temperament and the temperament of those you care for. If you are a parent, this is particularly important.

Tip two: When you or those you care about have an Easy Temperament, be grateful, be very grateful. AND be more tolerant of those who are not so blessed.

Tip three: When you have a Difficult Temperament work harder to practice patience and kindness.

Tip four: When you have a Slow-to-Warm-Up Temperament, try moving into new situations a bit faster, AND if you cannot do that ask the bolder ones in your life, to be a bit more patient.

Tip five: As always strengthen your self soothing skills.  My 12 Daily Emotional Fitness Exercises are research based and easy to practice self-soothing exercises.  New to this idea or this blog? Go here for an introduction to the 12 Daily Exercises or spend $2.99 for my e-Book Self-soothing:How To Create Calm In Your Life. 

Thank you and stay strong: Practice Kindness right now by liking, commenting, or sharing this and EFT posts.

Katherine

Links of Interest

Emotional Intelligence  (en.wikipedia.org)

Disclaimer one: Emotional Fitness Training is not therapy. Even the most learned researchers and therapists quarrel about much.  Take their advice and mine carefully.  Don’t just listen to your heart, but also think; don’t just think, listen to your heart.  Heart and head working together increase the odds you will find useful advice amid all the promises and hopes pushed at you be others.  As others have noted, take what seems useful, leave the rest.

Disclaimer two: Forgive my grammatical errors If  you need perfect posts, you will not find them  here;  I will understand if you don’t follow, like or share what  like me.  Not only am I dealing with an aging brain, but all of my life I have been plagued by dysgraphia–a learning disability,  Some of my posts might be peppered with bad spelling, poor punctuation, and worse words that make no sense.  If  you want to hang in with me, thank you; you are kind. If a post doesn’t make sense or bugs you too much, stop reading, I will understand.

Confusion About ME TOO

 

The ME TOO craze has me angst. It makes a moral equivalence of rape and sexual harassment. Doing so trivializes  rape in my mind.

 Ponder This About Rape

Even rape covers a number of varying experiences, all horrible, but all different and some more horrible than others.

1. Raped and killed.
2. Raped and seriously injured.
3. Raped, penetrated but few or no physical injuries.
4. Raped by someone you knew and trusted with varying degrees of the above; then threatened with harm if you revealed the assault.
5. Raped after drugs or alcohol used to make you more vulnerable.
6. Frequent sexual partner forced intercourse after you said “No.”

The closest I’ve come to being raped was when the judge who officiated at my wedding French Kissed me. Yuck. And he was a good friend of my father. It made a happy event a less happy memory. But it was not rape.

I am lucky that counts as the worse rape like attack I have experienced? But also is why I cannot say “Me Too” to rape. Very grateful about that.

Ponder This About Sexual Harassment

Defined, sexual harassment  means any unwelcome verbal or physical conduct by another toward you that is of a sexual nature.

There in lies one of the difficulties. Take compliments about your looks. Some take them as compliments and savor them; others see them as a prelude to sex and therefore as desirable or undesirable.

Things get clearer when such behavior occurs in the work place. Then such acts may violate your civil rights. That happens when the behavior is prelude to sex and agreeing to the sex is mandatory if you want to get a job, keep a job, or advance in a job.

More subject to personal interpretation is a work environment that makes you sexually uncomfortable. It can also include, at its worse, any of the behaviors I listed as rape. However, it most often refers to telling dirty jokes and the like.

Every woman I know can claim at least one and probably many more incidents of sexual harassment.

Certainly my list of events that could be labeled sexual harassment, is a long one. When I was young and just started to work, I worked in a hospital. I quickly learned some of the men there would hug or try to kiss me if I happened into an area where I would be alone with them. Unpleasant, but only a bit more unpleasant than being groped on a subway or in a crowed elevator. Not enough for me to say ME TOO in terms of having been sexually harassed.

However, I worked almost 14 years at an agency where my boss was known to hire mainly young attractive, sexy woman. He didn’t hire me. In fact he tried to get me fired after the woman who had hired me, left the agency.

At one point and by the powers that be, he was told to stop dancing with his stable of young sexy woman at agency social events.

At another point the agency was  sued by a disgruntled female he had hired. There was some sort of settlement, and he kept his job.

At another point he lost his licence as a therapist because of a complaint by a female patient. When I asked a Human Resources person how it could be he kept his job, I was told a licence was not required for his position.

I needed my job. Moreover, I loved the work I was doing, I loved most of the people I worked with. Finally, he never made an inappropriate sexual advance toward me.

At one point, he did remove $60,000 from my budget and gave it to one of his more favored programs.  At least I think that happened. I reported the discrepancy to the honor committee; along with my suspicion. I got no feed back, the money was not returned to my program, but a new auditing procedure was put in place.

I was not personally harassed but my comfort level and need to plan carefully to protect myself and others was seriously diminished, particularly when He was in the room or even talking to me on the phone.

How did he get away with all this? He was good at making allies, particularly among the people who held power over him. He was also  very good at getting people to talk to him and confide in him. I don’t know for sure, but I think that meant he had something to hold over lots of people’s heads.

As you may have noticed, I do not hold much back. I just never trusted him enough to confide anything of importance. Moreover, in time, he came to see me as somewhat of an ally.

As he put it, “You manage upward well.”

I did. I sought common ground, praised what he did right, pointed out where I disagreed with his actions, but tactfully and always recognizing he was the boss.

At one point, he wanted to hire one of my sons to so some private work for him as a building contractor. My son certainly could have used the work, but I never told him of the offer.

Sigh. Does the above allow me to join the ME TOO sexually harassed victims. I don’t know. Not legally. Probably emotionally, but not in my eyes. When in doubt I usually do nothing until things become clearer.

Am I failing sexually harassed women by not joining? I know some will think so. But I do not want to join the movement; for me it makes harassment the equivalent of rape. I suspect given a choice to get rid of one or the other experiences, raped women would prefer sexual harassment to rape. Just my opinion, but the thought that started this post.

Here’s another point to ponder. PTSD triggering. If you have been raped, your brain’s trigger for recalling danger makes sexual harassment a trigger for recalling the rape. Confuses things. Means living in more fear and pain. Sadly, it is the way the brain works. Danger is danger, but not a thought through danger, just 911 siren calls.

And a final point to ponder. The more one recalls the terrible things that have happened without putting them in perspective the more they continue to hurt and pain.

I am not saying deny the bad, that does not help. Instead I suggest greeting such memories or thoughts by saying “That was then, this is now.”

That was the point of the push for a rape victims to see herself as a survivor and not a victim. So when you say, “That was then, this is now.” Add “I am a survivor.”

So here’s the Emotional Fitness Tip related to all of the  above. Two words cannot begin to cover complicated issues.

Thank you and stay strong: Practice Kindness right now by liking, commenting, or sharing this and EFT posts, free downloads, or other products.

Katherine

Links of Interest

Emotional Intelligence  (en.wikipedia.org)

Disclaimer one: Emotional Fitness Training is not therapy.

Even the most learned researchers and therapists quarrel about much.  Take their advice and mine carefully.  Don’t just listen to your heart, but also think; don’t just think, listen to your heart.  Heart and head working together increase the odds you will find useful advice amid all the promises and hopes pushed at you be others.  As others have noted, take what seems useful, leave the rest.

Disclaimer two: Forgive my grammatical errors

If  you need perfect posts, you will not find them  here;  I will understand if you don’t follow, like or share what  like me.  Not only am I dealing with an aging brain, but all of my life I have been plagued by dysgraphia–a learning disability,  Some of my posts might be peppered with bad spelling, poor punctuation, and worse words that make no sense.  If  you want to hang in with me, thank you; you are kind. If a post doesn’t make sense or bugs you too much, stop reading, I will understand.